Wednesday, May 11, 2011

"Gingrich 2012: Newt Will Always Love America. Unless it Gets Cancer."

The woman at left in the picture above is Jackie Battley Gingrich; she's standing next to her then-husband Newt Gingrich at some political event early in his long and glorious career. It was a storybook romance: she was his former high school teacher. Sadly, Jackie Battley Gingrich was diagnosed with cancer and in 1980, while she was in the hospital, Gingrich left her so that he could pursue his affair with his girlfriend, Marianne Ginther. Gingrich divorced her while she was in that hospital, and shortly afterwards married Miss Ginther.

Gingrich went on to become one of the stars of the Republican Party as it took control of the House of Representatives in 1994; Gingrich was elected Speaker of the House. He was one of the architects of the right-wing "Contract on America." Even though he himself was cheating on his second wife Marianne, he selflessly pursued the crucial task of prosecuting then President Clinton for his extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky. It soon turned out that the second Mrs. Gingrich was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, so Newt did the most noble thing he could do, he divorced her and married the young congressional aid with whom he'd been having an affair. Serial adulterer Gingrich is today a strong advocate of what he calls "traditional marriage," exercising his strong moral voice to oppose any steps toward marriage equality for gay Americans. There is no word on whether his current wife Callista has her husband watched or followed. He resigned from public office in 1998 and it's not really clear to me what he's been doing in the 17 years since. He talks a lot on Fox News, apparently, I wouldn't know. He did join the Catholic Church.

According to Wikipedia, Newt Gingrich is an avid dinosaur enthusiast. It's not clear if he believes they were walking around the garden of Eden with Adam and Eve or not, since as we all know "Biblical history is the key to understanding dinosaurs." Gingrich is an expert on colonialism in Africa, especially on the involvement of the young Barack Obama in the anti-colonial Mau Mau terrorist movement.

Today, serial adulterer Newt Gingrich formally announced his entry into the Republican race for president in the 2012 elections, joining a field of candidates unified in their belief that gay rights, not the lack of jobs or the environmental crisis are the greatest threat to America today. You can view his official campaign entry video here on Youtube, though at the end of this momentous day the video seems to have only gotten 322 views. Go Newt!

To hell, of course.

(I can't claim credit for the catchy headline, I've borrowed it from a comment I read on the 'net today. Thanks!)


  1. I think I have the answer...

    [2nd witch enters stage right]

    "Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
    Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
    Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
    Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing,--
    For a charm of powerful trouble,
    Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."

  2. Annie, yes you have discovered that Mr. Gingrich missed his calling as a minor ingredient in a witch's stew. Perhaps he will discover his destiny?

  3. newt gingrich is a bastard.

    happy, but unrelated news: i saw pharoah sanders and his quartet play at birdland last night, and it was incredible. he still has that fire at 71!

    it was a last minute adventure with a lady friend of mine (we literally found out about it 6 hours before), otherwise i would have suggested you join us!

    i think they are still there for a night or two, and i highly suggest you check it out if it suites you.

  4. freebones that's cool! I'm not sure I could drag my boyfriend to see him again, though he enjoyed the time we saw him last year or so it's not his kinda music. But food for thought. Was he with a quartet?

  5. Your post is back -- I wonder if the comments will return as well in time...

  6. Anyone's guess, Annie. Maybe your comment about the ingredients in a witch's brew actually casted some kind of spell?

  7. OMG! I never thought of that, haven't practiced the black arts in years. rofl...........ouch, stuck myself on a pin.